Yes, children, I know it’s Halloween. It has been all day. I know this because I am an elementary school teacher and a mother and I was a kid like you before that, so I have been doing Halloween for many more years than you can even count. Trust me, I am very aware that it is a special day for you.
What you may not know, young ones, is that last year I decided to opt out of the treat-giving thing. I decided that since I have done Halloween since well before your birth (and the births of some of your parents, I daresay), I was entitled to just stop. So last year, for the first time, I did not buy bags and bags of Halloween goodies to hand out to the likes of you.
And it was good.
The universe did not explode, the sun came up the next morning as usual, and you got your yearly sugar fix elsewhere.
So I have chosen to ignore Halloween again this year … which is just as well, as it is currently pouring rain outside, in typical Vancouver autumnal style. I doubt there will be many of you youngsters out and about this evening, and those of you who do brave the elements, will likely not be trick-or-treating very long. It’s just too miserable out there.
But children, you do need to understand that I am NOT answering the door and giving you any treats this year. And how are you supposed to know that? Well, little ones, my porch light is not on. That means that I do not want you to stomp up my front stairs and hammer on the door or ring the doorbell over and over. I will not come to the door. No. I have nothing for you in the way of sugary, calorie-laden yumminess. Go bug them next door.
And while you’re clambering down the stairs to go do just that, perhaps you can remind your stupid parents that the absence of an illuminated porch light has ALWAYS meant to skip that house when trick-or-treating. Ask your stupid parents what THEY did back in the day when they came to a dark house. I’ll bet every goodie in your bag that their parents didn’t let them go to such a house. Then roll your eyes at your stupid parents and say snarkily, “So why did you just watch ME go up to that dark house? Are you STUPID?”