PG’s new car

PG has bought himself a new car. A “winter” car. It seems that Porsches, even Porsches equipped with snow tires, are not the best vehicles for driving during the winter months.

You see, though we don’t always get snow around here, it does rain in the winter and temperatures can drop low enough for conditions to be slippery. Lots of people don’t pay attention to this because they drive four-wheel-drive SUVs and so they believe themselves to be invincible. However, even a four-wheel-drive cannot stop properly when the road is frosty, so there are a lot more accidents and fender-benders than there should be, due to those idiots.

But PG is not one of them. He has taken lots of driving courses on race tracks, so he is actually very skilled at operating a car in pretty much any weather. Still, even he recognizes the limits of a performance vehicle during less-than-optimal conditions and has taken steps to make the roads safer. He will now park his Porsche all winter long and drive his new car.

And what did he purchase, you ask? Well, let’s just start by saying that it cost him 400$. So you know it’s not brand new. How not brand new? It’s a 1986 Chrysler Fifth Avenue, and is actually in very good shape. The car was previously owned by an elderly man who loved it and had nothing but time and money to lavish on the thing. Everything still works flawlessly, from the power windows to the air conditioning to the automatic transmission. There are only a few dents and scrapes on it, most of which look to have been spray-painted after being filled in with silly putty. That man also loved it so much that he put in a backup buzzer. Yes. This car has a back-up buzzer. Like a delivery truck.

This car is white with a red velour interior. It’s a red velour nightmare. It is huge. It is square, with lots of sharp corners inside and out. Lots of shiny chrome, too.

I have christened it “The Pimpmobile”. PG is now an acronym for “Pimp Guy”, not “Porsche Guy”.

And if I am crafty enough, I will never have to ride in it.


17 responses to “PG’s new car

  1. What a car!! You would not catch me in this. Pimpmobile for certain. Tell PG that this car is not rated PG – definitely rated X!!

  2. Definitely get him some giant furry dice. Giant PINK furry dice! (I like the discoball idea too).

  3. My father had a Fifth Avenue. It was his first brand new car. Probably about the same year. At the time, I found it to be the most comfortable car I had ever driven. At the time. Those pillow-top seats were more comfortable than our LR furniture.

    Wouldn’t be caught dead in one now. It would be like culture shock.

    • VioletSky – I have been calling cars like this “living rooms on wheels” for many years now. I will continue to do so. I will fight tooth and nail to never get in that car. The red velour really creeps me out.

  4. I. Am. Speechless.

    • Nicky – I know, right? It just boggles the mind that a self-described car guy would even consider such a vehicle – unless, of course, he was doing it ironically. Which he is not. Definitely not.

  5. Since I don’t have to drive in it, that’s pretty funny. I can’t imagine going from a Porsche to that though. How depressing! As if winter isn’t gloomy enough to be stuck in the Pimpmobile would make me suicidal, I think. But he definitely needs a fur steering wheel cover and an 8-track player.

  6. Sorry Pinklea, but I wouldn’t be caught dead riding in a car like that and I’m even surprised that a car that age is allowed on the road. It must be a terrible fuel hog and have all sorts of emission issues. I can’t believe that PG is expecting you to get in it and wreck your reputation as a lady of good taste and sensibility forever. I would threaten him with his walking papers and tell him to find a girlfriend to match the car.

    • Nora – We have a provincial program here called AirCare, where all cars must be tested for their emissions, either every year (older cars) or every other year (newer ones) in order to get insurance, which is mandatory. The Pimpmobile passed with flying colours! But yes, my reputation is certainly at stake here. I simply CANNOT be seen in that car! 😉

  7. …or at least some fairy lights…and fake fur on the dashboard….I’m spending WAY too much time thinking about this, aren’t I?

    • Mrs Jones – I was contemplating getting him some huge fuzzy dice to hang from the rear view mirror, but DD thinks your ideas are way better, particularly the disco ball. Now I’m just wondering where I would buy that stuff – Pimps R Us?

  8. And PLEASE tell me he’s going to fix a miniature mirrored disco ball to the inside….

  9. It does look like a pimpmobile! Will he wear a white fur full length coat and a panama while driving it?