Last Christmas at my mom’s place, late into the evening, I noticed PG and DD deep in conversation. I was sitting on the opposite side of the room, but I could still hear a lot of what they said. This would be mainly because, as I said, it was late in the evening and more than one alcoholic beverage had been consumed. And as we all know, that word “volume” on the bottle refers not only to the amount of liquid in the bottle, but also to how much louder the drinker of said liquid becomes.
DD was scolding PG because they had never exchanged birthday presents. She seemed quite appalled that despite the fact that PG and I have been a couple for at least a third of her young life, he has never given her anything for her birthday. He retorted that she had never given him anything either, so they were even. They sat silently for a moment, DD pondering this true fact. She then announced that from now on, she was going to give him a birthday gift and she expected him to reciprocate. He made the usual half-hearted protestations that men make, but finally, he agreed.
Fast forward to last night. PG and I were chatting on the phone, mostly about the hockey playoffs. At one point I mentioned something about having to drop over to my mom’s the next day so that she could give DD her birthday gift.
PG stopped. “Birthday?” he queried.
“Birthday,” I confirmed.
Again I confirmed. So far, he was batting a thousand.
“And what am I getting her?”
“Well, PG, I don’t know what you’re getting her. What are you getting her?” I replied.
He paused a beat.
“Well, I guess I’m not getting her jewelry. I haven’t even got you any jewelry! It really wouldn’t look good if I got her jewelry before I got you jewelry. You’d be pretty upset!”
Another pause. I could almost hear the backup buzzer.
“Aaaaand … that would be a lesson learned.”
“Um, not exactly, PG,” I answered thoughtfully. “You see, if you bought her jewelry before me, I’d kill you, and dead people don’t learn lessons, do they?”